Alex, Meet Alex
by Amberlia
Summary: Alex Rider watches the Stormbreaker film with me. He is not pleased. (Phyll-and-doll already did a criticism of the film. This criticism will have the tone of Cinema Sins and much of what phyll-and-doll commented will be what I criticize, but with Alex). If you don't like people's opinions and general pissiness, this isn't for you. Alex will be answering questions and comments.
1. We're Going To Ducking Kill It

**CONTRACT: **

**As the signers of this contract, we agree to the following terms, which may have exceptions that must be announced and are then applied to the other party as well for the duration of this contract. **

**For Mr. Rider: **

**You agree to let Ms. Amber comment and critic on not only the film "Stormbreaker" based off the "Alex Rider" series by Anthony Horowitz but you, the franchise, the characters related to or in the franchise, etc.**

**You and Ms. Amber may jest over various points in the discussion. The extent of the barbs is up to you to decide and set boundaries on. **

**You agree to go anonymous for Ms. Amber as her identity doesn't want to be revealed. Similarly, you may request her to the same (not sharing your location, etc.) **

**You may respond to reader's comments and will not be censored. It is your responsibility to use this to the best of your ability. **

**However, Ms. Amber may censor the main body of work in the way she sees fit. **

**Brash language that may be abrasive and potentially insulting to this interview will be used. You are allowed to set up boundaries for what passes and what doesn't. **

**For Ms. Amber: **

**Mr. Rider may disagree with your points as well as counter them. **

**He may bring up your personal history and/or personal life. You may set up boundaries for that. **

**You agree to go anonymous per his request (location etc.) **

**Mr. Rider may respond to reader's comments in the way he sees fit. You may not censor this. **

**However, you may censor any material in the main body of the text that you deem unfit for publication. **

**Brash language that may be abrasive and potentially insulting to this interview will be used. You are allowed to set up boundaries for what passes and what doesn't. **

**If both parties agree to this contract, by signing this, all of this will be implemented. **

**Sign here: ****Amberlily34567** **Alex Rider **

**PREFACE: **

First, I'd like to start this off by saying a few things.

Yes, it's true. I've managed to secure Alex Rider. No, not in that way. God. I'm not _that _desperate. No, I've managed to secure some of his time. Say hello Alex.

**Hello. **

Alex here has always wanted to watch Stormbreaker. Despite my warnings not to, he has insisted on coming here and reviewing it with me.

**Hey wait just a minute-**

Okay, he didn't agree to the reviewing part but he's just going to tell me what he thinks off it.

**This wasn't in our contract!**

Uh, I'm pretty sure it was in the fine print. Anyway, Alex is _so _kind to watch this movie with me. Hey, go easy on that popcorn, will you?

**You ate the popcorn last time. **

I was hungry. I gave you a sandwitch before this.

**Your generosity is astounding. Can I at least introduce myself? **

Sure.

**Hi. My name's Alex. I'm fifteen now, and I'm back in Britain again. I'm here with...what is it that you call yourself? **

..Amber.

**Anyway, yeah, I'm reviewing this movie. It doesn't look very promising but I'm clinging to the notion that it might not completely disappoint me. **

We'll see, Alex, we'll see! (Audience Note: Not really; this movie sucks, as our guest is sure to find out soon). Secondly, this movie review is based off a combination of "Reader we murdered it" by phyll-and-doll and Cinema Sins. I did not intend to plagiarize but if something sounds the same as either of those things, it was (a) by accident or (b) by my subconscious.

**Wait you said this was legal. **

Again, I don't think you read the fine print very carefully. Tsk tsk, Alex, maybe you need some glasses. As I was saying, plagiarism is not intended here. However, my naturally cynical nature, as well as Alex's butting in, will bare certain similarities to the mentioned. This is why my work is inspired by phyll-and-doll with the tone of Cinema Sins. If you didn't read this note, you'll think I'm plagiarizing this so now I'll probably have to go put this in bold.

**You know, you wouldn't have to if this was legal in the first place? **

What we're doing right now is kind of illegal anyways.

**What? **

Fanfiction. It's kind of illegal.

**Kind of? **

Yeah, I haven't worked out the exact logistics yet-

**Maybe I should start charging you for this. **

I'm kind of broke at the moment but hit me up in about a few years-

**What about your birthday money? **

What about it?

…

Oh. I see. Let's put this on credit-

**You don't have a credit card. **

Alex. Come on now. I'm your friend.

**Really? **

Oh, come on.

**No, seriously? **

You better be joking Alex, otherwise...this was never in the contract!

**It was in the fine print. I think we need to get your glasses number changed. **

Argh, let me get the preface over with and we'll discuss it. Okay, now that the whole plagiarism thing is out of the way, I want to say that my commentary may be unintentionally offensive to some. So first, don't go and have a mental breakdown in the comments section or report me. Just message me or something. If I realize the error, I'll fix it, but if it's not really an error, I really can't fix it. Second, it's unintentional. I probably just got caught up and failed to notice. Also, some of my languages is a bit brash so if you're a kid who's snuck onto this website, be warned. Especially if you're the sheltered type. Future colleges looking at this, um, don't judge me? Look on the bright side-at least I'm writing and not, I don't know, maintaining other types of dangerous habits. If you're my friends-first, how did you find this account in the first place? Secondly, kindly get off right now. I know a few of you; you're snitches. You're probably going to go running around telling everyone I'm a writer or something.

**What's wrong with being a writer? **

These days, being a writer, especially of fanfiction, is like one of those dirty habits no one enjoys talking about and yet, everyone does it. Anyhow, last thing. A few of you may have a problem with the way I refer to Alex and likewise. Let's face it-we're cynics so it's just the way we're going to be.

**INTRODUCTION: **

Wow. This is amazing.

**What is? **

They've managed to fuck up the film within the first ten minutes and that's something I will never get over. How do you even do that? The beginning is your chance to lure them in, to trap them in the theater because let's face it-after the first ten or twenty minutes, no one's going to try and leave no matter how shitty the movie. Eight people have already left since the start of the film and a baby somewhere has started crying (Audience Note: Please don't bring your babies to Strombreaker. Trust me, it's to make sure they don't get developmental issues later on.) Anyway, there's also a fangirl who looks suspicously like eleven year old me staring at the screen in rapid confusion, probably wondering when the hell the real movie's going to start. Ah, now I see the dawning horror in her eyes. She realizes that this _is _the movie and now she's going to have to sit through all of it. Console yourself, child-it's Alex Pettyfer. He'll be your adolescent crush for a few years and you'll move on. On a more serious note, where the hell is your bedroom, Alex? I knew you were rich, but still...a classroom as your bedroom. Do you lecture in there or is it strictly for asthetics?

**It's to get me into the intellectual mindset. Stop laughing. That was back when I actually studied and went to school like a **_**normal **_**kid. **

Now that I've stopped laughing (Audience Note: He fucking kicked me under the desk, goddamn it, Alex) where _is _Alex's bedroom? The book starts with Alex awake at three in the morning. Unless this is Alex's bedroom-

**Which we've already established it **_**isn't. **_

Oh. Oh dear. Mr. Horowitz decided to get _creative_. The eleven year old girl just burst into tears. It's going to be a long 93 minutes of show time. They've decided to completely disregard the beginning part of the book and put something creative and kid friendly. Judging by the snotty tears of the children in this theater, I don't think they've exactly succedded. Might as well change the rating to R.

**The beginning of the book was traumatizing.**

True. The movie's PG-13; I guess having death in the first scenes don't appeal to the audience. Might turn off quite a few people.

**Turned me off, too, to be honest. **

The camera pans over a classroom that looks like a college classroom. Brookland must have hella rich sponsors because there's way this is a _public _school. Hey, Alex? Is Ian a board sponsor?

**I don't think so. **

That might explain your grades. Ah. He's kicked me again. (Audience Note: Do it again, Alex, and you won't even have a _leg _to kick me with-). Moving on in the film, Alex gets up and although he is admittedly very handsome, he somehow manages to convey a blank look using only his eyebrows. This is amazing. Mr. Pettyfer, please teach me! I need it when talking to a few of the idiots, oops, I meant _people _in my life. I wonder if the teacher's done this on purpose. Picking on you, I mean. What well with the "lack of family" and all, they call you for family?

**They wouldn't call you either. You manage to ruin your relationships with everyone due to your paranoia and massive insecurity, hardly making you the candidate for a perfect, stable family. **

That's quiet enough now, Alex. Sabina eyes him, either looking at his ass or, ah, somewhere near that region.

**Why do you even think that? Maybe she's admiring my pants. **

No girl is admiring your pants. Come on. I like you but honestly, those pants...did you go shopping, or did Jack go shopping? Or was it Ian, picking up something for your birthday because he forgot-

**Alright, alright, she was staring at my arse. Can we move on? **

Ooh, phyll-and-doll think it's your watch. (Audience Note: Anyone else have any more bright ideas? His shoes, perhaps? Or his belt? Is he even wearing a belt? Do tell).Alex lapses into a montage of his family. Even the teacher looks hardly interested and that's saying something because teachers always look a little bored, but this is revolutionary. This teacher also looks a little dead. Maybe he is dead. We'll never know.

**He looks like he's ready to kill me. **

Oh yeah, he does. I wonder what's in his pockets. A pen knife? The look in his face looks like he's either contemplating his own death or the murder of your fellow classmates.

**I bet he's working with SCORPIA. **

That would make a great sequel. "Alex Rider Fails English." We might even have a little battle between you and the teacher with Ms. Sabina here butting in at the wrong time and nearly getting not only herself, but you killed as well. Then Yassen can come and conveniently save you, lighting the flame for your slow burning ship.

**Ships eventually get reduced to ashes. **

Yes, but that's if one of you _dies. _Although I highly doubt that will happen in the near future (Audience Note: I know I'm being cruel, because, Eagle Strike and all), at least _one _of you will get that life insurance!

**...I have life insurance? **

On second thoughts, never mind. Alex Pettyfer, in my opinion, looks perfectly like you. However, I pray to God for your own sake (Audience Note: he's a spy which qualifies him as an actor, I guess, I don't really know) that your a better actor then him because he doesn't even need to move; he could act out entire scenes using only his eyebrows.

**Isn't that what he's doing right now? **

That and I think those mouth spasms are...emotions? Yes, even phyll-and-doll think so. God, he shows less emotion then even you do.

**Huh. I'll start lessons. **

Excellent idea. Oh, if only all of us could communicate through our eyebrows. The world would be so much easier. No language, no jumbles. Alex Pettyfer should start a school. "The Pettyfer School of Acting Through Your Eyebrows." (Audience Note: A CinemaSins reference, for anyone who watches and remembers).

"I have a sort of housekeeper…"

**Jack's like a sister to me!**

Well, Mr. Horowtiz didn't seem to get this message. Ah, now you mentioned she's American. Really? Was the American detail even that relevant? Are Americans treated like some kind of commodity in Britain, like we treat British people like commodities in America?

**Only **_**cute **_**British people. According to you, at least.**

Yes, yes, Alex.

**Also according to you, that would be me. **

A little egotistical but I guess. A shot of people trying to kill your uncle plays. Is this what you guys play at holidays? You know how other famillies play cute little memory clips, like "Robby's First Steps" or "Susan's Dance Recital?" Do you guys do something like "Ian gets beat up by goons for the ninth time!" or "Alex nearly kills himself vaulting over the side of the building?"

**Absolutely. What do you think we do with all that security footage? And no, we're not going to go watch those after this. **

I never said I wanted to. (Audience Note: Damn. There goes my weekend plans).

Anyhow, there are mulitple people tryig to kill Ian. Ian dodges them. Somehow. I'm a little surprised that a stray bullet hasn't hit him in the arm or leg or something but it must be that Rider luck!

**And yet, he's still dead. **

That's because Gregorovich-Will almost always overpowers Rider-Luck.

**Wait a minute, so if the Riders and Gregorovich had a child together-**

I knew you had something for him.

**No, wait! That's not what I-**

I'm not really sure how male pregnancies work but I have a cousin who's a doctor so I guess I'll go ask her. You want me to tell you when I get back or should I do a google search?

**I'm not really interested in getting pregnant within the next few years so your offer, while overly generous, is not needed. **

Alright, then. Ah ha ha, I love how extra the movie is with trying to kill Ian. Whoever is after him needs to get new security. I get that he's a super spy or something but the general incompetence of the people after him angers me as well. Are they trying to miss him on purpose? Ooh, Ian went underneath-

**It's like he's asking himself to get killed!**

Alex, you look very shocked for someone who also gets nearly killed on a semi-regular matter-observe how Ian didn't get tarp burn. Is that the Rider luck? Do all of you have superior genes? Explain it to us!

**Oh, alright. It goes like this-we've gotten killed so many times that natural selection picks the ones who live to an age fit for reproduction. The ones that didn't were the weak ones and were picked off. The strong ones passed their genes. **

A little dark and morbid but makes sense. You guys have superskin?

**Yep. Same reason we don't get acne. **

I'm jealous. Hey Alex, quick question- is your uncle a magician or something because one moment he was underneath the tarp and the next, he's somewhere else? If the spy business gets old, he can always become a magician.

**Damn. I always knew he was a warlock. **

What else are Mrs. Jones and the rest of MI6 hiding from you? Note to self-our next project should be going through your family laundry. I bet they're some really juicy details in there.

**Next project? **

Yeah. Maybe your half demon, half angel. Know by any chance a Jonathan Morgenstern?

**What? **

The camera is focusing too long on Sabina for my liking.

**Let's just admit you may be the tiniest bit jealous-**

I'm not going to be jealous of her!

**Yes, because you already are. There's no "going to". You are. **

There is literally no reason for me to be jealous of her beside her makeup skills and even we know those we know were with the help of her mummy. Or her makeup artist. Hey, maybe her makeup artist _is _her mummy.

**We can't go and ask. **

Why not? This may be the single most exciting moment in her miserable life. That, and that one eye look you give her later on.

**Oh, come on. **

I'm being brutally honest. A little wrong and rude, but still honest. For the most part. Like Family Guy, I'm voicing the opinions no one else wants to say. (Audience Note: Also like Family Guy, there's a lot of controvery and a lot of people think I'm an asshole). And even phyll-and-doll agree! Sabina is extra.

**Where's Tom? **

Sorry to disappoint. He's not hot enough or good looking enough to put in this film. Also, where will he fit on the movie poster? Clinging to Alex's other arm? But no; Sabina would never allow that to happen. Mr. Horowitz doesn't want an argument to break out so Mr. Horowitz plans on putting him in the sequel, a sequel which will never happen.

Alex talks about his family, finishes. A boy yawns. Loudly and obnoxiously. He'd fit in with the rest of the jackasses in my school. Come to think of it, he looks suspicously like one of them. Sabina gives him a dirty look. Or was that because she needs to use the bathroom and fears that this boy's rudeness is going to keep her trapped in her seat?

**It was definitely a glare. **

Alright, Sabina expert. Hey, can you pass me the popcorn? (Audience Note: He finished the popcorn so therefore I didn't get any. Next time, he's going to go get some more popcorn.) The bell rings. I'm sure the movie producers thought that this was all British and dandy but that's what our school thought and we live in America. Trust me, there was an anarchy, two fights, and a vandalism. And if they really want to be with that British, where are their uniforms? Where's the designated tea time? When is tea time in Britain, by the way?

**Around three to five but people in Brooklands get home around 3:30 or so, so maybe 4ish? **

Okay, ignore my previous sentence. This whole school smells like money, lies and scams. At least Alex wants to get his excercise-he has his bike with him! Navigating London traffic can't be easy, though.

**There's something called sidewalks. **

Oh yeah. Sabina is talking to a friend. Said friend ditches her when she sees Alex approach. Said friend is a horrible friend. If this were some sleaze at a late night bar, Sabina would end up on next day's news. And not in a good way.

"Alex," she says, having the audacity to look surprised. Two reaons why. (A) she's trying to be coy (b) she just saw him in class and is wondering how the hell he teleported here so fast or © she's genuinely surprised that someone like Alex would talk to her, much less notice her.

**I don't know who you're trying to insult here-**

Oh, so you have riding lessons all weekend, do you? Even I don't make excuses like that, come on! Also, Alex is clearly hurt but tries to play it off with an, "It doesn't matter". Sabina tries saving face but Alex is clearly still hurt about this rejection. Alex is being sensitive.

**So now I'm not allowed to have emotions? **

No need to get pissy; I'm just stating the obvious. At the same time, I grudgingly admire Sabina's dedication for her riding lessons, though I really don't understand how they will be _all _day. Can't she go with him to breakfast or something and then go riding in the afternoon?

Alex, you can't like people with poor time management skills it's only going to screw up your life.

**I've already screwed up my life. **


	2. A License To Fugu

We pick up from Alex's previous angsty statement in the last chapter.

We have rewinded to the classroom scene because I watched it again, and have somehow found more things to complain about. The irony clips with Ian Rider make this seem like an action film from Mission impossible, not Alex Rider. Generally, with Alex Rider, the fighting was realistic because when the author wrote the books, he had a concept of realism (Audience Note: said realism went out the window, no, out of this known universe, when it came to making the movie).

If I wanted to watch Mission Impossible, I would have bought tickets to go see _that__**. **_I think I should have, actually, because I have been absolutely scammed.

**Maybe you should have bought tickets to go see that because (a) admit it, you got this movie off some really shady website and (b) you only got it to make fun of it. **

Wrong. I got it because I wanted to see you.

**How touching. **

Yes, well, moving on. Are all those old people deaf? Who the fuck doesn't hear a car chase behind them? Like, I get it, you guys like your puppet show, the same way I like my fanfiction but if there is something dangerous happening around me I will tear my eyes away for at least one second to notice what's going on. If that's the case, I hope their children put them in a good home for the elderly. These people should be clearly supervised at all times. Even I'm not that distracted and everyone says I live in the clouds!

**Like that time on the train-**

What time on the train?

…

That's what I thought. (Audience Note: Apparently, kicking people in the shins is very effective at getting them to shut up very quickly. Sorry about that, Alex. That's definitely going to bruise tomorrow.)

Back to the movie.

Rolling montage of Ian Rider trying to kill, I mean, oops, evade, his pursuers. Conveniently, as phyll-and-doll pointed out, the bike is red. This is to distinguish Ian from the rest of the idiots chasing him to make it easier for us stupid movie watchers.

**When the stupid one really is whoever made this. **

Precisely, Alex. I will say this, though, Ian Rider is good looking-

**Please stop. **

This isn't fair. If you get Gregorovich, I demand someone else as a sacrifice.

**And that someone is my uncle? Isn't there anyone else you could trouble? **

(Audience Note: We had a little argument and Alex went to cool off. I don't see why he's so upset; if he and his lover can move to a dream island, killing people or whatnot, then I don't see why I can't live out my dreams).

Back to his little school speech. Alex drones on. Another inaccurate thing-the whole dullness factor. I get they were trying to make him relatable but the real-life Alex is actually a very interesting individual when he isn't getting killed or hogging all the popcorn. Also, as phyll-and-doll already mentioned, there is no way in hell kids can look _this _bored at school. School is boring but at my school, if you even look like your about to fall asleep the teacher decides to stand by your desk and ask you random trivia questions from three years ago (Audience Note: To any teacher reading out there-it is a cruel and unusual punishment to make people do this, and you are violating the US Constitution if you keep doing this so I'm watching you). The teacher in this movie really needs to enforce better disciplinary tactics.

For no god damn reason, the camera shows a close up of an old bell. Just to show the school's asthetics, when in the books, the school is actually very modern looking.

Anyway, after Sabina's half-assed attempts at getting rid of Alex, his phone rings. The 2000s was a horrible time for phones.

It's Ian himself!

Ian and Alex's snark is the only realistic part of this relationship besides the awkwardness. He's your nephew, I mean, you could put just a little more effort into interacting with him. On the other hand, we all love a cold man.

**That would just be the idiot teen girls. **

Hey! I was one of those, you know. (Audience Note: Alex has come back). All I'm saying is, the familial closeness isn't there.

**Like you're any closer. **

Low blow, Alex, that was a low blow. Ian promises to be back. I'm looking over phyll-and-doll and really, it's hilarious, the whole plaything and wetting his pants-(Audience Note: Chapter Three, Reader we murdered it.)

**What did you say? **

(Audience Note: This is why people say "you have the right to remain silent." But only in America. I am now being blackmailed into showing it to him.)

**...I never wet my pants. **

Of course, you didn't. (Audience Note: He's clearly lying but I'm so worried about his mental stability right now that I'm willing to tell a few lies, if only for the sake of getting this out to the public).

**This is why I don't like journalists. **

Okay. (Audience Note: Takes notes everyone. If you plan on dating him, become _anything _but a journalist. If you're a journalist, like me, then let's just say we're ducked. Not that I ever wanted to date him). Ian and Alex have a fascinating conversation. Phyll-and-doll think it's a conspiracy. I kind of agree. The words are so _weighted _with meaning-

**You know what else is weighted? **

Rude!

**Bricks. Bricks are weighted, too. **

Thank you for that fascinating life lesson. (Audience Note: Again, take notes. Alex seems to have a fasincation with bricks. I wonder which kind?) Alex whines a little, which is expected. Ian blows up the oppisotion with missles. Hey Alex?

**Hmm? **

You've been in Ian's car, right?

**Yeah. **

Have you ever pressed a button by accident? Like, a hand brushing something?

**Yeah. When I was eight, I decided it would be a good idea to sit in the passenger seat. I tried to turn on the radio and-oh, for the love of-okay, that's the reason why the Parkinsons' trashcan caught on fire. **

Way to go Ian. Leaving around your dangerous toys (hehe) for your nephew to play with (further supporting phyll-and-doll's catamite theory). Parents, this is why you don't let your children sit in the passenger seat. Not only are they annoying, now they get to be annoying _next to you, _while you are driving a metal death machine. With the capability of fingers and well-meaning intentions, your child will single handily cause traffic! And possibly giant hospital bills.

**That's morbid. **

Hey, no one said this wouldn't be dark. Anyway, Ian blows up the bad guys and Alex is oblivious. Alex, where is your curiosity when we need it? That was clearly an explosion. Ian says he'll never let Alex down, although he has. Multiple times. Alex, innocent as he is, seems to believe him. If it were me, I would have personally believed the worse and thought he was cheating on me.

**Lucky for you, Ian is not your-hey, wait, if he's your uncle-**

(Audience Note: I'm telling you, these shin kicks are really effective. Also, who said Ian had to be my uncle?)

He turns up his music. Wait, he turns up his music? Ian now is _not _the time to be turning up your music! Supposedly, in the book, MI6 had found the presence of Yassen Gregorovich around Sayle so why the hell is Ian acting so careless? A helicopter is damn noisy and yes, good job, Mr. Horotwitz with that reference to Yassen's love for death machines. Honestly, Ian calls himself a spy? You escape a high security facility only to be ambushed by a loud metal machine, also guranteed to cause fiery death.

Except this one _flies. _

There is no way that machine should have been able to get so close to that car. Also, electrical lines? Are there none? And what happen to other cars on the road? I mean, there aren't any but what if they were? They'd look up and be like, "oh fuck, it's a flying metal machine of death."

**Helicopter. The term is a helicopter. **

Machine of death sounds way cooler. Oh, for the love off-so extra, Yassen, so extra.

Damian Lewis may be a good actor but he looks nothing like Yassen Gregorovich.

**Translation: He's not good looking enough for you. **

Yassen is blonde. Repeat after me. Yassen is blonde. He's fucking blonde and he has blue eyes. Damian Lewis betrays all of this. I don't care if he looks Russian he doesn't look like Yassen at all.

**Adding onto my translation: he's not my Yassen because he's too old for the roll and needs to be somewhat more handsome. **

Thank you for your contributions, Alex. (Audience Note: I mean, damn, he isn't wrong). I've always shipped Ian and Yassen-

**Oh, not this again-**

But it seems that their ship may die prematurely. Just like Ian does. Bam bam, mother trucker, he's dead.

**Time out. You have no problem with saying 'fuck' but you have to censor 'motherfucker?' **

It's for the innocents.

**This story has already passed from 'innocent' to 'dark' a long time ago.**

...Fine. Bam, bam, motherfucker, Ian's dead. Yassen "The Extra" kills him with two guns. There was no reason for two guns. Is one gun not effective enough? Was he thinking, "hmm, what if I miss?" One more thing. Yassen, you have already been established as cool in everyone's eyes. Hanging upside down from a helicopter? You could have also crashed the car. I mean, that's easier. Or even blown it up. Giving Ian a taste of his own medicine.

**Why are you giving him ideas? **

Suggestions, Alex, they're suggestions. Also, I'm guessing that the blood flow to your head must have been damn nasty and you'd be a little dizzy after hanging down from a helicopter. The screen fades out so we don't have to see the gory car accident that is Ian Rider. Kudos to the transition; no one in the theater is exactly crying tears of sadness, considering he had, like, two minutes of screentime. I was kind of hoping for something between Ian and Jack-

**Absolutely not. **

(Audience Note: What a party pooper. You're a wet blanket, Alex, for all shippers alike).

**Can you stop shipping Ian with every somewhat intelligent living thing? **

He's saying Jack and Yassen are stupid. :0

...Alex, do you want to tell me something?

**NO!  
**Okay. (Audience Note: Feel free to offer your opinion. Yes, or no? It may be wrong, but as they say, man thinks not with his brain or heart, but with his dick.)

**Where do you even get this from? **

My brain. And my general distaste for humanity. Cast list. We find out who plays Sabina, information I only need to hate her more for.

Oh. Quick question-do they actually hire actors based on their ability to act or is it primarily based on how good looking you are? I'm not here to judge; maybe the script called for Miss Bolger to act purposefully dim-witted and shallow, making her an even better actor in my eyes because she nearly managed to convince me!

As for Alex Pettyfer, I'm not sure it's an act…

**I don't know. I'm not an actor. **

Movie Alex proves this is a very good thing.

'Written by Anthony Horowitz,' flashes on the screen.

**What the hell? **

My thoughts exactly. _He _wrote this? And this is the end result? (Audience Note: Alex looks thoroughly horrified, as he should be. Now he's going to hate authors, too. And maybe even start hating people in general.)

Someone burst into tears in the theater. Another screamed and left. For the sake of protecting the innocents, we will not repeat what they said. A few of the smarter ones can figure it out.

(Audience Note: We had to take a walk after this upsetting piece of information). Alex is biking home. What happened to your casual clothing? Adidas and other sportswear? (Audience Note: To prove my point, Alex is currently wearing a black shirt, and track pants with sneakers).

Annoying music again. God, they need to hire someone better for the soundtrack of this movie. Not only is the music generic and overall very 2000s. Next time, movie, maybe no music at all. It's better than the alternative of getting ear raped. And why the shots of London? I can barely see anything either and it's hardly relevant to the plot. See, people, this is the reason the casting list goes at the end. Preferably with the bloopers, which I'm sure this movies' had a lot of.

Alex goes home to his rich suburban home. Alex is clearly rich. This is seen in the way he carelessly discards his bike, before heading in through the door. How much do you bet that Ian's going to run it over when he comes home?

**He never comes home, so my bike is still intact. **

Fair point.

Alex enters the house. Alex doesn't take off his shoes!

**Why is that so relevant to the movie? **

Oh, I don't know. Because Jack "The Houskeeper" Starbright might have just finished mopping?

**Point taken. **

"Jack?" He calls out. The people in the theater lean forward, excitement growing. This is how every horror movie plays out. The dumb yet we are still expected to love them protagonist calls out in a clearly empty and ominous house. I don't know what they're expecting. The killer to say back, "I'm over here, honey!" or just be like, "Surprise! Happy Anniversary, babe, but Imma have to kill you"? In Alex's case, he is blessedly single because his bae is, you know, still at work, killing his uncle or whatnot, but that always means it's an opportunity for the Housekeeper to kill him.

**So a double funeral. **

Yeah.

**At least the money will be saved. Somewhere. **

"Jack?" In the movie, Alex has the survival skills of a nutty squirrel, making me question how he even became a spy in the first place. Out, Alex! Get out!

**How many people watched this film? **

Millions.

…**so I basically got embarrassed in front of millions of people and it's on **_**tape. **_

Yes. Kind of reminds me of the Kardashians sex tape, except, instead of making you more famous, it diminished your popularity somewhat.

**Well, at least I'm still fabulous me. **

(Audience Note: The look on his face shows that he's really starting to question his previous statement.)

Jack is actually preparing Sushi, not planning on cutting Alex up and collecting the double insurance money. This is either a blatant attempt to make Jack "The Houskeeper" Starbright more of a character but only goes to show how dimwitted she is because she's cutting a cucumber with a fucking katana.

Also, she's blonde. I see someone got their movie notes confused. Making Yassen red-headed and Jack blonde.

Yep, this movie's pretty much fucked. Happy viewing, viewers. You just got scammed out of your money. No refunds but at least you have something to bitch about, right?

Movie Alex reaches into the fridge and grabs milk. Fucking milk.

**What's wrong with milk? **

Alex, please act like a normal human boy and grab a bag of chips. Who drinks milk as their afternoon snack? And not even flavored milk, just plain old milk, too. No sugar. Nothing.

**Well, not all of us can lead the same sedentary lifestyle you do. **

Shut it, Alex (Audience Note: Unfortunately, he is right.)

How do you get your sugar fix? Teens need to get their sugar fix. Like, seriously. I think I'd pass out if I didn't get my sugar fix the way I nearly did today.

**That may be because you didn't breakfast. Or lunch. **

And they speak Japanese. How does Jack know Japanese? I'm flipping through my notes here and there's no mention of Jack being Japanese, or having lived in Japan The same goes for Alex. They're having a special dinner- presumably sushi, though second guesses are any man Jack killed previously.

**Because that's what katanas are for. **

Exactly, Alex! Minor side note here: they're having sushi and pufferfish. This confirms my earlier theory that Jack has some kind of connection to Japan because you need to be licensed to serve fugu. I want to know how she got her license because it's apparently very hard to get.

Not so stupid now, is she, Alex?

**I never said that. **

Uh-huh. Jack starts talking about her dating life and Alex rolls his eyes. Clearly, Alex has heard about Jack too much, which is to say, he hasn't heard much at all. Why listen to Jack when he can bitch about Ian not being home? Jack admits Alex is good looking; script, we get it. He's hot. I have eyes; I can see that he's perfect for Yassen.

**You-**

"His work means a lot to him," yes, Alex, it means more to him than you. That's why he's trained you for your whole life.

**And to protect me. **

That too, I guess. The doorbell rings; Alex lunges for it. Exactly how long has Ian been gone? Shouldn't Alex be used to it by now, with the long absences and whatnot?

**I look so desperate. **

You admit it.

**This actor is an absolute idiot. **

Well, I had a crush on him.

**That makes him more of an idiot. And you a bigger idiot. **

…

Moving on. The sad music starts playing, saving us from actually hearing the police awkwardly standing there, the whole, "sorry, your uncle's dead, kid," speech. The camera tilts sideways; people thought the movie was broken. There was going to be a riot where people started demanding money back before an employee said it was intentional.

Thank you strange employee who may have saved Alex from getting killed.

The police lights are on. Shouldn't he have seen the flashing lights and sirens or whatnot from the window where they were eating? And why are the sirens on? Does the entire damn neighborhood need to know?

In the books, this happens at 3 in the morning. And even then, I'm sure they didn't have their sirens on. I get it, but at the same time, I don't.

**Clearly. **

This scene actually is a little touching. Might be the lighting.

…

Fine, fine! Those were a few tears. Ian Rider is officially dead. I feel sorry for movie-Alex, even though movie-Alex is kind of a prick.

**Your sympathy stretches very far.**

As far as the great wall of China?

...**Maybe not ****_that _****far. **


	3. Child Rearing and Chapals: A Study

Alex and I would like to thank Oborenai for following and favoriting the story. See, Alex? I told you that you had fans. You're not going to die alone after all!

**Right. **

Ah, Ian's funeral. Sadly, it seems like I was not invited to this funeral.

**I wonder why. **

Alex is dressed in a suit. I get it, you're supposed to look nice but that hair gel does nothing for you. Nothing. It doesn't even make you look more stupid. It just makes you look oily.

**Thanks for that. **

You're welcome. Alex is in Ian's office, investigating. Why is his office unlocked? I thought Ian had the key and unless someone was at the office, there's no way it could be open. Alex shouldn't have had the key because, you know, nosy teens and all.

We see a photo of the two together. I am touched. Alex seems touched, too, though with all his blank expression and over eyebrow acting, it might just be him having spasms again. Jack comes and leads him away. To the doctor's maybe?

But no.

The funeral is all very cloudy grey day, ravens cawing in the background and everyone just drab standing around. Not a lot of people have attended, and no one really gives any speeches. The vicar goes on about how "patriotic" and "loyal" he was.

**I mean, you really need to be patriotic if you're dealing with those tax invoices, right? **

And loyal, because other banks were just _desperate _to snap up Ian in their talon-like clutches.

**As desperate as I looked when that doorbell rang? **

That and more. Alex is like, "what the hell?" (Audience Note: Alex in real life is also very much "what the hell?" although it might just be because of the whole oily hair thing. He's realized how bad it looks, I'm sure). MI6 can't get more subtle. If they tried to get more subtle, it would surpass my very subtle flirting levels.

**Which weren't very subtle, to begin with. **

Like that Sabina girl's, right? She was practically throwing herself at you. That was until she got afraid of the whole 'commitment' thing.

**Well, she is very committed to her lessons. **

Right. Anyway, the funeral is a closed casket. Bloody bullet holes and all. It's packed with dirt. Someone flashes a gun and Alex's eyes widen. If I were him, I would have told someone immediately.

**Yet another reason you're not a spy. **

I always thought it was because my uncle isn't a spy. Or my father. Or my entire family, for that matter.

**No, it's because you hate physical exercise-**

That's enough for now, Alex. (Audience Note: Goddamnit, I don't hate exercise. Excercise hates _me). _Blunt and his cronies, sorry, I mean, _associates _and _underlings, _make their way over to Alex. Phyll-and-doll thinks it's to make a move before the vicar does-

**What? **

(Audience Note: Clearly, I have not learned my lesson on keeping my mouth shut because now he's demanding to see that, too.)

**I'm a minor! **

That isn't stopping the vicar, is it? And let's face it, Blunt goes and uses you done good in the next fourteen or so books.

**The hell is wrong with you people? **

Inside the Twisted Minds of Fangirls: A Documentary.

**Starring you, the most twisted of them all. **

Very funny (Audience Note: Clearly, he has not been to the _dark _side of the fanfiction world). Although I don't take back what I said, I still ship you and Yassen.

**Once again, I'm a minor. **

Oh, I'm sure he can wait until you're older (Audience Note: Actually, he can't, because he dies. Also, that was a joke. If you are having relationships with minors and you aren't a minor, you're a pedophile and you need help. My story does not encourage pedophilia in any type of way.)

Blunt says sorry about his uncle (Audience Note: why do people say sorry? Never made sense to me. What do you say at funerals? Comment and help a pal out), but somehow manages to look like he thinks otherwise. I'm sure this whole thing was one major inconvenience on his part. Like, "Damn, now we're behind schedule let's use his nephew to get the job done." Seriously?

I don't even want to know the thoughts running through that man's head.

**That'll be easy, considering you barely do any thinking in the first place. **

Sorry, were you talking to Miss Pleasure or me?

"I'm sure we'll meet again, Alex. Hopefully, somewhere a little less gloomy." Blunt, you're the definition of gloomy you fucking hypocrite. For Alex to meet you "somewhere a little less gloomy", you'd have to FaceTime or GoogleDuo him or something. There is no way that the atmosphere can be 'cheerful' or even 'neutral' with you stinking it up.

Mrs. Jones says she'll be in contact. We never know what type of contact. Phyll-and-doll are leaning on the 'physical' side.

**Gimme that. **

(Audience Note: I need to shut up).

**Absolutely not. No. No. No way. **

Are you sure?

…

Moving on. Jack is trying to engage Alex in conversation but Alex seems to be more interesting in thinking about Blunt. Well, Blunt's twisted fantasy may be coming true after all!

It's very convenient for the plot, then, that their home is near a cemetery. Ian's laughing from his grave. Like, "Oh, in the inconvenient time of my death, at least you won't have to walk far to get my funeral, right?" Really saved the bus fare and all.

Alex wonders who's going to look after him. Ian apparently didn't think so far ahead as to tell him who. Either that or Alex is dense.

**I'm going to go with the first option. **

Of course you are. Jack says, "Who else is there?" A secret cousin, maybe? Another uncle? Or maybe even Yassen.

**NO!**

Alright, alright, don't get your boxers twisted up. After Jack's morbid joke, they see someone invading their home.

"HEY! What the heck are you doing?" Go on, Jack, say it! "Hell, it's hell, 'what the hell are you doing?'" I get that this is supposed to be a kids movie but do you really expect me to believe that's what she said. I could almost see the temptation, the words forming on her lips before someone flashed her the reminder off-screen that, oh yeah, this is a _children's _movie.

**Although this movie should be R-rated. **

Precisely. Don't think that those sexual innuendos didn't go past the knowing ears of the parents in this theater.

**They certainly didn't go past you. **

A fact. Alex sees this, his spy mind processes it, those damned Rider genes, and he takes off, not even bothering to check if there's incoming traffic. Thankful, he doesn't get flattened like a pancake.

On the plus side, Jack wouldn't have to go very far to his funeral. Or change clothes. I'm sure they can arrange something.

He grabs his bike and takes off after them. Jack is left confused. Clearly, Alex has missed out on several important childhood lessons, summarized here:

Looking both ways before crossing the street

Running off and not telling where you're going

Engaging in dangerous activities that might cause your own funeral

Alex, have you ever been hit with the chancla?

**The what? **

Or the chapal, maybe?

**...No. **

That much is evident. I pull a stunt like that and it doesn't matter how far I get, I could be halfway across the world, my father's chapal will come and smack me upside the head. Clearly, he lied when he had said he was bad at cricket.

Alex grabs his bike, somehow thinking that his bike will catch up to a van in London traffic.

**It won't. **

Should have thought about that before, Alex dear. He takes off. Vroom vroom, he's replicating his uncle's little stunt yesterday.

**That ended well, didn't it? **

Unfortunately, we still have about an hour of the movie left, so no, you lived.

**...Damn. **

Oh. Oh my God. I just had to rewind that. This movie is supposedly for kids but is encouraging dangerous behavior. Such as riding through heavy London traffic, chasing after a van, in the _wrong direction. _

**Did bike to car accidents increase in London after this movie came out? **

I like to think no one is as stupid as Alex in this movie, but I fear it may be true. The rating is now R. People are leaving. Seriously, Alex, the way you're riding your bike makes me not want to think about how you'd be when you drive a car…

**I don't have my license yet. **

Thank God for that. Sanity does exist in this world after all. However, in this movie's universe? Not so much. Alex should have been stopped by the police for this. Doesn't London have the biggest CCTV network in the world? Or is MI6 tampering with that, too. I bet Blunt's jacking off to it right now while Mrs. Jones watches, disgusted. People shout. Rightfully so.

Alex ignores them. He is destined to fulfill his uncle's destiny.

**Of dying? **

When you put it that way…Alex somehow knows the entire road work in London. I've been living in the US for a good thirteen years now but even _I _don't know my city that well.

**That might just be a flaw in your observational skills. **

Alright, alright, Mr. I-Want-To-Get-Killed. Somehow, he takes a detour and ends up in the right place. Trying to be stealthy, he crouches but brings the bike with him. This coming from the boy who was happy to carelessly discard his bike just yesterday.

Also, what's his goal? That the men will see the invisible bike and be like, "There's a ghost!" Ditch the bike, Alex. They're beer bellies should not be able to outrun you, a football player.

**That was a compliment-? **

I think so.

**You think so? **

Honestly, I wasn't sure who I was even trying to insult there. I insulted you less, so...compliment? There's lots of shouting. The workmen seem to be in the middle of some hierarchical argument. I wonder if there will be an overthrowing. You know, a fight to the death.

**Children's movie, remember? **

Most of the children have already left the theater. Now there's a couple of adults, that random eleven-year-old fangirl and a couple...in the back...oh. Oh my God.

**This is why you invest-**

I think I'm going to throw up. (Audience Note: Alex shoved me out of the way right before I hurled, so I wouldn't do it in his lap. Thanks, Alex). That's a truly disgusting act. Get a room, for fuck's sake!

**You were saying something about survival skills? **

(Audience Note: Alex has left to get me a soda. See? He's not as bad as movie-Alex. Also, it might be because he's done with this movie and regrets his decision to see it. )

Right. Now that's done. The work men still argue. Very questionable where they're working, too.

Someone asks a stupid question. We will not put it here because it's just meaningless chatter designed to show us exactly how British this place is. The response, however, is amusing, if I do say so myself.

"Yes, you berk…" Oh my god, just say it! We all know what you want to say. I can see it in your eyes. Do you really think middle school kids, whom I'm pretty sure is the target audience of this movie, don't know any of this? Their affectionate terms of endearment for their friends is downright foul. "Asshole" is a popular one. So is "bitch." "Shithead" comes as the runner uppers. Seriously, when adults are like, "Don't listen to bad words", it's more out of politeness because everyone knows that kids know these words. Everyone just likes to pretend that they don't.

So. Alex investigates the car. There are multiple bullet holes riddling the side, despite the fact that Ian Rider was (a) shot through the head and (b) only two guns, pointed straight at him were used. There should not be so many bullet holes riddling the side, unless he was ambushed by, like, machine guns. Was Yassen continuing to shoot after Ian was dead, like, oh yeah, I still have bullets to spare so I'm going to just shoot them into the side of this car, see? Also, you'd think the car had bulletproof windows. But no. Is MI6 going through budget cuts? Is that why they don't pay Alex. Might be.

And...Alex is being ambushed by a dog. A fucking dog. Why is there a dog running around here anyway? I'm sure PETA will have fun with this one. Alex falls back, looking surprised. Someone calls the dog away; surprisingly, the dog obeys. Alex looks relived and then...oop, a magnet grabs the car.

Alex should not look this surprised. I mean, it's a scrapyard. Their whole purpose is to, scrap cars, you know. He flails at the door, phyll-and-doll note with his elbows. Seriously? Humans did not evolve over millions of years to waste their opposable thumbs on one ancestor who tries to use their _fucking _elbows. Maybe we'll evolve opposable elbows sometime in the future but for now, try sticking with your hands, Alex.

Alex flails some more. Conveniently, the ghost of Ian Rider activates the car. Alex ejects out of the said car. Alex should have hit something on his way up but it's uncle dearest looking out from him again. Their loving relationship is truly extraordinary. He falls. He should have broken something but the plot wouldn't like that. Oh no. And so wouldn't Alan Blunt. You know, if he had broken an arm or a leg, really, Alan Blunt wouldn't have been able to use him, right?

**No, he'd still do it. **

(Audience Note: Alex is back with my soda. Thanks, Alex. I'll like to thank the Gods that the real Alex is much smarter than the movie-Alex).

"OY!"

**Oy? **

They're trying to make the film British.

**...right. **

What follows is a thrilling chase.

**Not really. **

Alex uses ropes!

**The only reason ropes should be used is to tie things!**

;) I whisper "Yassen."

**No. **

Since when do they teach ropes in karate class?

**You quit when you were six so you wouldn't know. **

Salty. Must be all that popcorn you ate. Somehow, these grown-ass men can't stop one fourteen-year-old boy. You're slick, Alex, but not _that _slick.

**Get your mind out of the gutter. **

Alright, alright. Alex runs. Someone fires a gun. Why the hell do they have a gun? Is Britain becoming America? No gun control at all? Also, I hope they realize that if they kill that fourteen-year-old boy, they're going to be on the front page news tomorrow. Hey, maybe a dual story with Sabina!

**Don't get your hopes up**

Why fight them, Alex? You could literally run, there's no way their greasy, fast food stuffed bodies could have kept up with you.

Well, he runs, eventually. After he's done proving how cool he is, of course. And then, the scene cuts to something else entirely. Seriously, Alex? You're not going to tell Jack about this? I'm sure Jack's fragile American heart can handle this, come on. And how did Jack not ask you where the hell you went? You should have been grounded. Or hit with a chapal.  
Also, for your sake and for the entire of London, I hope you obeyed traffic rules this time and actually went on the right side of the road, and you know, on the sidewalk.

**Maybe sidewalks don't exist in this universe. **

Hmm. Never thought about that.

**Or thought about anything besides fanfiction in general.**

(Audience Note: It seems that there is going to be a brief intermission because of the puke. Also, the couple got caught. Thank the Gods for that. We will be back shortly, hopefully with some more popcorn.)


	4. The British Love For The Obvious

I would like to thank the two guest reviewers who took the time to comment on this story. Your kind words make Alex's constant whining almost bearable.

**Same here. **

Hey Alex! Your first question.

**Shoot. **

What's your favorite color?

**Pretty much any color. Unlike a certain someone, I'll wear pretty much everything. However, yes, I do have a preference for dark colors. So blacks, dark greys, blues, dark reds etc. **

I'll keep that in mind when buying presents for you, Alex.

Anyway. We got some more popcorn. This time, I'm eating it.

Now Jack and Alex are at the station. Is this on the same day? We'll never know. Other useless details must occupy our attention. Like that Stormbreaker advertisement. Nothing like a little foreshadowing to remind the stupids in this theater on what's going on. Never mind that the stupids, at this point, are mostly adults and that couple, who are making out again.

**Puke again and I'm not buying you a soda. **

Geez. Fine.

"Sure they said they were coming here? They could be anywhere,"

"No, they didn't say they were taking a train. They were bringing stuff to the station."

Pray tell, how, Alex dearest?

**By the train. **

Exactly! This is the reason the Americans won the Revolutionary War, just saying. The British are too busy missing the obvious.

**Actually, the reason was because the British had to fight on unfamiliar terrain and news took a while to travel to Britain, meaning communication was poor. And with Guerrilla Warfare-**

You know, for someone who isn't in school a lot, you sure do seem to know a lot.

**I study.**

Don't give me that look! It's summer. I'm not _studying. _Who the fuck studies in summer? Besides freaks like you, of course.

**Loads of people. **

Jack rolls her eyes (she doesn't actually, but we can tell she wants to) at Alex's reasoning. MI6 is officially being dickish to Alex. This is seen in the way they leave him up for suspense. If I were Alex, I'd just shrug and go home.

**Once again, your Sherlock Holmes logic is not needed here. **

Actually, some good Indian logic might just be needed here.

"Jack!" He exclaims suddenly. For some reason, his hand is shaking when he points. Is he running on drugs? Is that why he has such a blank expression?

Well, they really seem like they're working. (Audience Note: Alex might have a trashy run in this movie but he has some damned good dealers).

"What?" Jack is still pissed off at him. Phyll-and-doll wonder if she's about to run off with her passport. While Jack flounders around for the guys' name, Alex runs off.

After the previous incident, you'd think that (a) he'd know better (then again, there's no chapal throwing in this home, is there?) and (b) Jack would keep a better eye on him. But no. Again, plot advancing at it's finest. Once again, the main aim of the screenwriters (cough, Anthony Horowitz) was to make Alex look as cool as possible. Phyll-and-doll point out that people should be cursing at him. I agree. If someone knocks into me, they could be the finest person on Earth, but I will holler.

Since we're in Britain, it'd be "OY! YOU BLOODY TOSSER!" Just to prove the Britishness of this movie.

Alex vaults over some stairs. Kids, this is how you break your legs. Take notes. He practically screams "spy!" behavior. Again, Alan Blunt is jacking off.

**Disgusting. **

Tell that to Alan. Somehow, he keeps sight of Crawley. It'd be funnier if he lost him and then had to go back to Jack, who promptly gave him the chapal right there, in the middle of the station. That's what my parents would do, at least.

**And look how you turned out!**

Right? Into a decent, wonderful, social human being! But Crawley goes into a photo booth. If I were him, I'd turn back. Photo booths are one of the shadiest places on Earth, besides dark alleys, banks, and underneath trees. Phyll-and-doll point out that it almost _looks _like Crawley wants to be followed; Alex has yet to be hit with this realization.

**Hit being the keyword. Even I want to hit him over the head with a brick if it'd only knock some sense into him. **

It might knock him out, actually, but we can all dream, right?

Suddenly, a woman appears out of the photo booth that Crawley just entered. Oh, _ew. _I'd turn back now, if I were him, which I am thankfully not.

Alex stares in confusion. This is what you get for hesitating. You follow Crawley, only to _not _ambush him later.

**Yes, well, some of us don't have kidnapping fantasies. **

Well, Alex loses him! Haha! No one's surprised, except maybe movie-Alex himself.

**Even I'm not surprised. And that's **_**me **_**on the screen. **

Mr. Horowitz, Alex has spoken. Take good notes. It's one thing for someone to criticize something you made; it's another thing when your own character tells you you've fucked up.

Mr. Horowitz, in the unlikely case you read, this-don't take me out. Please. Unless it's on a date.

**That's disgusting. He's like, what, fifty-three? **

Another reason why being old doesn't mean you're any wiser. This script proves it, too! Indian parents, take notes here. And he's sixty-four, Alex. Come on.

**You're point being? **

Oh. Anyway, Mr. Horowitz, I'm a huge fan of your work (minus this one). So. As I said, I'd appreciate it if you didn't take me out.

Alex enters the booth. Clearly, he's expecting some time of boogeyman to jump out. There's no boogeyman, Alex. You're not six anymore.

**Excellent advice for you to follow, Amber. **

I'm not scared of the boogeyman! Not anymore, at least.

**Then why do you still sleep with a teddy bear? **

Um. (Audience Note: To make up for the lack of human warmth in my life, but we're not discussing that right now.) Let's get going.

Alex enters the booth, sitting there confused until he remembers these things aren't free. Conveniently, he has some money in his pocket. Once again, this is only due to the plot. I want to see what would have happened if he _didn't _have money. Would Blunt and Mrs. Jones just sit there, like, "come on, you're our super-secret weapon, get a move on it," before they're finally like, "oh alright," and let him in? That would have been more entertaining to watch, that's for sure.

Alex makes some weird faces. If I were him, I'd have milked it and done the stupidest faces known to mankind. Instead, we get the impression that Alex is confused.

On the third flash, the seat jerks sideways and he's transported somewhere. It could be anywhere, really. Also, they really should get a back for those chairs. Idiots (like me and Alex) might fall backward of them, otherwise. We take such modern luxuries for granted.

"Welcome to Arrivals." Arrivals to where exactly? Heaven? The ninth circle of hell? Purgatory? But no. It's into Blunt's slimy little paws. "Please remain seated…" oh no, it's like _I _was going to stand! "...and await docking procedure." For us plebes, it translates to, "Sit your ass down and wait until it's stopped fucking moving." And I have questions. One-is this the only place to get into MI6? I hope not. What if it's early morning and everyone needs to enter? Police are going to raise eyebrows at a long line outside a photo booth, and considering the fact that no one comes out at the end, I'm sure there'll be at least a few Hogwarts conspiracy theories. Two-why pay to enter? As phyll-and-doll mentioned, it's like "saying thank you after getting mugged." (Chapter 7, reader we murdered it) Three-there seems to be almost no filter on who can and can't enter? So Yassen might just stroll in one day. How's that going to go? "Oh, sorry, I got lost waiting for my bae-" "Which one?" Then Yassen shoots them all dead. Nice.

Alex exits. Someone says "good morning." And this is the reason why national security breaches happen, people. In case you were wondering. A security guard barely glances at him. Again. We trust the government with our security?

**To be honest, we trust a lot of people with a lot of things. **

That was deep. And scary. Our society is primed for its collapse. Would I be sad? Yes. Really sad, though? I mean...not really.

"Good morning Alex," Mrs. Jones enters, "shouldn't you be at school?"

I don't know. Should he? Considering you people called him in the first place, I'm not so sure.

**They need better management at this place. Seriously, even my school does a better job than this. **

And your school had a major security breach last year! Astounding.

"I was at Liverpool Street Station…" well-observed, Alex. "And now I'm here." No, Alex, you're actually a mirage. You're not here. Your image is. Your essence. Your-

**Alright, we get it. **

"That's right." Why confirm he's right? Pointless conversation. The elevator doors close. Jack finally arrives at said photo booth. It's been a while. Really, Jack. There's no way they'll let you keep Alex after this. Maybe MI6 had a point.

"Good morning," damn, it's him again. I want to like him, though. He really epitomes the British politeness, doesn't he? Once again, this film is too focused on being British.

**Maybe they'll eat crumpets later. **

Don't give them ideas, Alex. But you're right-there must be at least one scene like that otherwise this film isn't British enough and will be condemned by all the British viewers.

Mrs. Jones clearly doesn't know tact so she breaks the news to Alex. Not so gently. By this point, we think we're used to Alex's stupid questions-

**We should be, really. **

-but no. He proves he can be even stupider. "Wait a minute-are you saying he lied to me?"

What do you think Alex? Pause a moment. What do you think? Did Ian tell you any of this? No. He claimed to be a banker. So did he or did he not lie to you?

"He lied to everyone. Sorry." #sorrynotsorry.

Once again, no one thinks it's odd that there's a teen here. Maybe it is "Bring Your Child To Work" Day. Mrs. Jones hints at a preposition.

**Please no. **

Come on, Alex. It could be. Alex looks constipated at the thought, as he enters the room. Blunt is conveniently turned around, studying what? The wall. Alex's photos? No; it's a picture of London.

His eyebrow raises, at no one, as he turns.

"We want you to work for us."

**Whoa. Slow down. At least buy me dinner first. **

Atta boy, Alex (Audience Note: he's adjusting nicely to the catamite theory).

Alex looks at Mrs. Jones and then back at Blunt. "You're not being serious." Their faces suggest otherwise, though.

"I don't wanna be a spy. In case you haven't noticed, I'm still at school." That much is painfully obvious, Alexander.

"What a great shame. Your uncle would be very disappointed." I'm sorry, Mr. Blunt, I didn't know you were a communicator for the dead. Where is it written in Ian Rider's will that, "in the case of my inconvenient death, my nephew should take my place and become a spy?"

"What?"

"Letting him down like that." The only one you're letting down is yourself, Blunt, as your drug name suggests. Go get your next fix and stop harassing minors.

"But then I suppose...young people." A fuck. It's another baby boomer. How tragic you can't exploit a young boy to do the dirty work of adults.

**Why do people even say that? 'Young people?' Seriously? **

Guilt-tripping?

**It's not working. I just want to tap them and remind them that they'll die soon anyway. **

Oof. Alex Rider has spoken.

Blunt pulls up security footage. I knew he kept that around for easy viewing purposes. And with that large screen and those glass doors, I'm sure he's having a...blast (innuendo is intended). Mrs. Jones looks away; she can't stare him in the eye after watching Blunt jack off to him.

"Who trained you?"

"Nobody trained me." Oh. So not even your karate teachers. Magical fairies just came and gave you the ability.

**Nah, I was just born that way. All Riders are. **

Is it a dominant gene?

**Yes. Only in our bloodline, though. **

"Who paid for the lessons?" Once again, it's the work of those fairies!

"All your life Ian Rider was preparing you…" to become Blunt's slimy pawn? No thank you. "You speak French...German...Japanese."

**Where's Spanish? **

Not included there. They needed Japanese for diversity reasons, I'm guessing. Alex is having an identity crisis...a moment of silence for our fallen comrade. He asks to leave. This time, Blunt escorts him. Making good on that catamite promise, right?

"I'd have thought you'd want to get back at the people who killed your uncle?"

Namingly, Yassen. I don't think Alex's so eager to get back to him-

**Oh no. Here we go again. **

-unless it's in _that _way.

Blunt's tactics don't work. Alex is clearly in love ;) ;) ;) with Yassen. Blunt, disappointed with Alex's undying loyalty towards his lover slash uncle-killer, changes his moves.

"How's that, erm, housekeeper of yours by the way? What's her name? Jack Starbright." Ah. Jack the housekeeper. She really has no other identity besides that.

"I suppose she'll have started packing by now."

"Why? What do you mean?" Ah, Alex. So innocent on immigration and deporting laws. Come to America; we'll teach you all about it!

"Didn't she tell you?" Clearly not; let's move on from the obvious. "Her visa ran out seven years ago."

**So why is she still here? **

He's asking the real questions. Maybe Blunt had his eyes on Alex for a while and this is the fodder to get him!

"She'll be deported any day now." Oh, the tides have turned on the Americans. From being the ones doing the deporting to being the ones getting deported!

"Actually, we might prosecute her first. Make an example. Working here illegally may mean a prison sentence." But...she's still going to be here, right? Why bother, then?

"What are you?"

**Part vampire and part lizard. **

Life sucking tendencies and dry skin? Check. You got it.


	5. Moronic Adults

We pick up previously. Alex seems to have agreed to Blunt's plans. Blunt is gleeful. This may be the closest he gets to happiness.

Remember; all of this is highly illegal. Of course, Alex seems to work well with the illegal-

**Rider genes at their finest. **

(Audience Note: For self-preservation purposes, I hope none of you have the Rider genes.) It makes me feel better that Blunt gets fucked by the Defense Minister or whatnot for finding out that they're using a fourteen-year-old boy, sometime a year later. Really, it took them long enough.

Oh, and not fucked in _that_ way, though we wish he got a taste of his own medicine.

Alex is riding in some kind of truck. In the back, too. I'm sure that's dangerous, especially for fourteen-year-old boys to do. Considering that he could just as easily ride in the front. Once again, MI6 shows their blatant disregard for their one and only secret weapon. You can't replace these things, you know, because last I checked, birth certificates aren't receipts. If they were, half of the brats in this world would have been returned back where they came from.

**One of those brats being you? **

No. I'm _lovely. _

The truck stops as a group of men shuffle past, carrying what appears to be a log. Or a body bag. It's hard to tell. Remember! PG-13! No cadavers allowed in plain sight on screen.

"Come on now, lad, look lively."

**What is this, the Sherlock Holmes era? **

It wouldn't be such a bad thing. Then again, drugs and smoking were practically legal back then. God knows what would happen if it fell into the hands of one of the people in this film.

Though Sabina "The Stoner" Pleasure has a ring to it that I like.

**Of course you do. **

There's a wooden cabin much similar to the one I stayed in when I went camping. Camp was traumatizing, as Alex is sure to find similar in this hell hole. Remember kids-if you see wooden cabins like that, it's in your best interests to run! The only use for those kinds of cabins is to jail, oops, I mean, _house, _kids at summer camp, or rent out to people you plan on murdering later on.

"On your feet!"

Everyone jerks to their feet.

"Gentleman, this is our latest recruit. He's here for two weeks' training."

**Doesn't SAS training normally last 5 months? **

Yep. And they've managed to cut that time into two weeks. Once again, MI6, people don't have receipts and you can't return them. Take some good fucking care of your one and only secret weapon while you can.

"Sarge?"

"Don't ask me about it because I don't know a thing!" That much is clear. Thank you for that moment of clarity. "I just do as I'm told." Another brainless, mindless, pawn. No one thinks to question that a fourteen-year-old kid is here. Or even object. Blunt has power but does he really have that much power?

**Certainly not as much as the Prime Minister. **

(Audience Note: hint hint, in case someone has his number, we can get Alex out!)

"We have no names here. We have no ranks." Alright, _Sarge. _

"This is K-Unit. Fox, Bear, Eagle, and Wolf." First-where's Snake? Second-that was pointless trivia, considering that Fox, Bear, and Eagle all look about the same. In fact, they look suspiciously like the guys from the junkyard. Just more cleaned up.

"You'll be Cub. Get him a bed."

**Creative, right? **

I always knew the SAS was one creative place, but this blows my mind. Cub? Really? I wish they'd thought this out more because 'Cub' means he could be either Bear or Wolf's son. (Audience Note: bear cubs, wolf cubs).Thus, one might expect them to take him underneath their wing.

But no. As soon as the Sarge leaves, they start circling him like a hungry pack of sharks. Clearly, they don't get enough to eat here. I can see them already preparing to grill Alex over a spit. Or, like phyll-and-doll said-orgy. Alex seems to have a penchant for that.

"Who the heck do you think you are?" Right. A SAS soldier says "Who the heck do you think you are?" Even middle schoolers say "Who the fuck do you think you are?" and that's middle school. The SAS is practically college, right?

**It's 'who the fuck do you think you are?' That's what I remember, at least. **

(Audience Note: Alex wishes he did not remember those things but they are ingrained in memory.)

Oh, it's Wolf doing the meddling. For a place with no ranks, they sure have a pretty cut order on who gets to torment the new recruit first.

"A schoolboy? They've got to be joking." I wish they were, Wolf dear, but they aren't. Or if they are, this sick prank has already come too far. And my wolf cub theory from earlier is blown. Damn.

**No more ships. Please. **

Well, since you asked so nicely...

"What's your name?" Didn't the Sarge just say they didn't have names? "Who sent you here?" What do you think? Who the fuck in their right mind would send a fourteen-year-old to a SAS training camp besides MI6?

**MI5? **

Hmm. I can see it.

Wolf answers his own question when Alex refuses to. The adults in this movie seem to be even dimmer than the kids, which is saying something impressive. Then, he attacks Alex. That would have been at least one jail sentence if they were anywhere but here.

Alex knees him twice in the balls.

**Ouch. **

No wonder Wolf isn't the biggest fan of him. This scene must have been cut from the book.

"That's very good. Someone been teaching you self defense?" I mean...he kneed you in the balls. What do you believe? That his knee just so happens to have a magnetic attraction to your crouch, Wolf?

"Won't help you here." It just did, though. "You won't last two days."

(Audience Note: Alex seems to have zoned out from the movie completely, though I admire his dedication to getting this far.)

Day One shows them crawling through mud. I hear mud is good for your skin, though.

**Not when it's freezing and raining, though. **

Yeah, that's a point.

Alex is crawling with a _gun. _For the sake of everyone, I hope that gun is not loaded. Although I wouldn't blame him if he just so happen to shoot at in someone's face, it's PG-13 so once again, we get no violence.

Day four rolls around; Wolf is no doubt, clearly disappointed that his hypothesis didn't come true. He put a lot of work into that hypothesis. His 'if' and 'then' statements were perfect. His 'because' was a little twisted. "If a schoolboy goes through this course, then he won't last more then two days because I hate him. I mean, because he's, well, a schoolboy."

Way to go, Wolf! We can clearly see what your strong subject is.

Alex falls through a rope bridge. People scream "go! Go!" Right, like he wanted to linger there, dangling over God knows how huge of a drop.

**It's a hobby, actually. **

(Audience Note: Alex needs new hobbies).

Day nine. Ziplining! Those dicks, sorry, I meant, K-Unit, seem to play a part in him getting stuck in the middle.

"You're not on the playground now! Move it!" Well noticed, Sarge. For a moment, I thought that I saw some monkey bars and a seesaw, somewhere off into the distance.

Alex does the sensible thing and drops into the lake. Nice going, dicks. Now they only have themselves to blame if they get binned. For no apparent reason, a song about love plays in the background as Alex falls into the lake.

**Love for thyself?**

An abstract connection, at best. That's the first decent wash Alex's had in about a week. Just an FYI. For no reason, other than to showcase that, hey, Alex bloody Rider can be sexy even when falling into a lake, the shot is in slow motion.

I don't care how sexy someone is. No one needs to see that.

Day twelve. Night combat exercise. It appears they're crawling through mud. It's all very England like because, you know, raining. Suddenly, lights flash on.

"K-Unit. Stand fast. You have failed the exercise."

**How sad. **

Extremely upsetting. (Audience Note: Someone in the audience just had the audacity to cheer).

Another dick (a common reoccurring theme) splashes mud on Wolf. How does it feel to get a taste of your own medicine now?

**Not very pleasant, I'm betting. **

Probably tasted bitter. That's why revenge is sweet but karma is even better.

Cut to a shot in dry, sunny pasture. Are they still in England? Doesn't seem very British like, and knowing the movie's dedication to being all things British...this is a major inconsistency.

"We're finished! We've blown the whole exercise! We'll get kicked out!"

"This is your fault. You had the map!" Someone accuses Wolf. Pointing fingers. Nice. Remind me again why they are a unit that's supposed to work with guns through active war zones?

Just as we're hoping it'll go all Lord of the Flies, Alex notices something. He seems to be the only one dedicated to getting out, for some reason.

Once again. The adults in this movie are actually astonishingly moronic. He kicks down sheeting, exposing a fireplace that is filled with soot and ashes.

**That's where they stash the dead. **

I didn't know they were eco-friendly, though that house is clearly a health hazard.

"There's a fireplace."

"How did you know?"

"I saw the chimney on the way in." While the rest of you morons were too busy arguing.

"The kid's right." Once again, K-Unit's dedication to being dicks towards Alex is astonishing. If only they were that dedicated to actually acting like adults and being smart and sensible.

"Sure. You'd think they'd leave it open if they thought we could all climb up?" Well...they _are_ fucking stupid. I wouldn't put it past them.

"You can't. You're too big."

Phyll-and-dolls' catamite theory has been proven. On cue, Wolf glances at his teammate, looking like he wants to ask when he can get a piece of that ass. (Audience Note: Alex is snoring away. I will let him rest for this scene.) His teammate glances back. Clearly, he's laid claim on Alex already.

"But I can." Alex exchanges a meaningful look with another one of Wolf's teammates, and once again, Wolf is left frustrated, wondering exactly when this threesome had occurred and why he hadn't been invited. At least his teammates have the audacity to look guilty, though there are mild hints of accusation. Where exactly do Alex's loyalties lie?

Oh. That's right. With-

**Don't say it. **

Yassen "The Extra" Gregorovich.

**You had to say it. **

Absolutely.

"Go on then, Cub. Up you go." Like the way I went up your ass-

**What? **

Nothing. Go back to sleep, Alex.

Alex crawls up the chimney. He crawls across the roof, covered in soot. In broad daylight. No one cares to look up.

'Moronic adults' is another reoccurring theme alongside 'grown-ass soldiers being dicks'.

"Cup of tea?"

"Oh yeah. Ta."

Definitely still in England.

"We should take that lot back to base."

Then what's stopping you dear? They were clearly captured in the middle of the night. If logic proves right (this movie, then again, seems to run on the illogical), it's now mid morning. They had about six to eight hours to move them.

Either this is plot advancing at it's finest or 'moronic adults' and 'soldier's being dicks' have merged to create the baby known as 'idiotic arrogant adults.'

"Nah, later will be fine."

Oop. Procrastination is a nasty habit, though I indulge in it. Occasionally, though. Very, very occasionally. Like, maybe three times a day?

"Fancy a nice cup of tea, boys?"

Alright, movie, we get it.

Alex moves, upsetting a pebble that falls into the soldier's tea. The soldier stares at it confused. The sensible thing would be to get another cup. What if it was a bug or something?

But nope. He looks at it for a moment, then continues drinking. Alex stays to watch, for no apparent reason. He should already be moving out of the way, in case the soldier actually looked up.

But that would require a brain. None of the adults in this movie have one. Except for Jack. We shall excuse Jack.

Alex somehow manages to jump from a very tall roof onto the ground without breaking his legs. There is a tree running down the side of the house yet Alex still chooses to jump.

Maybe the 'moronic adults' should be made exclusive to everyone in this movie, regardless.

Alex creeps to the soldier's trailer. It's parked on a hill. Why is it parked on a hill when there is clearly more flat land all around that would be ideal for parking?

Once again-dicks. And plot advancing.

They discuss Alex, ignoring the fact that they, too, have cried for their mummies at least one during training. Clearly, they are in the prime of their lives, being dickish and all. Being bogged down by their teen years isn't in their plans.

Though not much is. All they seem to be doing is fucking around doing nothing.

Alex somehow knows exactly which switch to pull to get the trailer moving. Plot advancing? There's no way I could do that. I'd probably fiddle around with it before saying "fuck it" and just throwing my back into getting it to move.

Alex runs behind the trailer, taunting them-

**So he can get yelled at later. **

Oh, Alex! You're awake. And again, this is all convenient to the plot. In real life? Not so much...

The guy guarding K-Unit runs off to save his teammates, though what saving he can do will be to mainly pick out the good bits and pieces left of them for their funerals.

The door to the house is locked with slide locks, instead of actual key locks. I can't even say it anymore.

**Moronic adults. **

Alex gets it.

The trailer falls into a lake off a big drop. How lucky for the PG-13 aspect of this film that they weren't any big rocks or trees to hit the trailer, causing almost instant death.

Or life long-suffering.

The trailer falls off and then transitions into a sugar cube dropping into a cup of tea. Snazzy transition, but by this point, the movie has fucked, sorry, hit me so hard with the British thing that any mentions of tea from now on will cause almost instant nausea.

**Not again. **

"Cuts. Bruises. Fractured Limbs. It's a miracle no one was killed."

No, sir, that's just the plot advancing and PG-13 rating again.

"Well, I'm very sorry, Major. We will be talking to our man-boy."

Does Blunt know Alex's age? Because I have a feeling he does not know Alex's age.

"He's no child, Mr. Blunt." Actually, he is. Sorry, but you can't just rope him into the 'moronic adult' label just because you are in it. While he may be moronic, he is no adult at that moment. That would require him to be eighteen.

Once again, I'm sure none of these people know Alex's age. How convenient for their own dirty purposes.

"He's a lethal weapon."

Oh. Oh. OH.

**She's had a thought!**

(Audience Note: It seems it's necessary to reintroduce the shin-kicking).

What are the criteria for being a lethal weapon? Pushing one trailer off a cliff?

Any moron could do that. And Alex proved it! Even I could do that, with enough shouldering, grunting and curse words involved. Does that mean I'm a lethal weapon?

**The only time you're a lethal weapon is when it's that time of the month again. **

(Audience Note: He got kicked. Wipe that smile off your face, Alex. Actually, don't. You look nice).

The Major leaves. Blunt turns around, ominously, to address Mrs. Jones. She looks a little ill, thinking she may now be involved in getting Blunt his porn clips.

"He's ready."

She looks iller. No more soft porn. It's now the hardcore stuff!

We're playing with the big guns now.


End file.
